The WEDDING of MY FIRST CRUSH @ Kelab Golf Perkhidmatan Awam (KGPA) (Sunday, 20th March 2010)

Me at the beautiful wedding.

Try to judge my expression. Happy? Sad? Tortured? Confused? Lost? I'll pay a penny for your thoughts. =D

My sidekick in life, Deena my sister.

Salam,

Yes yes, I have been delaying to update this post. Why? Because I was wondering to what extent will I reveal about my first crush. Just see the irony of this post's title, wedding and first crush, it just doesn't go together. Unless if it was how it's supposed to be, MY WEDDING with MY FIRST CRUSH, or Our Wedding; My First Crush and I. However the irony to life is that, as beautiful as it gets, it still can be cruel to you. *sigh* Please pardon me for being melancholic, though I might nervously laugh while writing this post, still there's a bittersweet feeling enveloping me inside. Haha ok that's too melodramatic Suraya *nervous laughter continues*.

Ok ok, let me keep it simple. This first crush of mine (which continues for years even till today, never-ending in fact, though I dated and loved a few guys hehe) let's call him HH (his initials, and it reminds me of the Harvard Hottie in the Nanny Diaries..seriously my heart skipped a beat when I saw the initials reading that novel because it reminded me of my HH), he's the eldest son of one of Ummi's closest friends in my childhood days. If I am not mistaken, when I was 11, he was 14 and super cute and hot. Fair skin, tall, soft-spoken, very pretty smile with very kind features, oh I just love love love. I also love the fact that since his mother have a small catering business, he always helped her at the kitchen. I also think he's balanced because he plays basketball, have loads of friends and still quite religious by regularly prays. Also love the fact that he always patted his youngest sister's head lovingly almost every time he bumps into her. Honestly that's how I developed my habit of patting my sister's head the same way too, because I felt like it's an elder-younger sibling bond which is just so loving and special, kudos to HH. =')

Well when I was younger, though people think I'm much prettier now, though I may lose weight and put on weight again and again, but when I was a kid, I was very fat, had very dark skin, bad hair, whatever that is ugly I was it. Of course to like HH, whom his mother told us, will get a school-bag load of Raya greeting cards from those interested to be his pet sister whether from older or younger girls (oh come on that's just an attempt to climb the ladder to become his gf, losers) of course I knew where I stood. No chance. Simply impossible. So yes, the shy me would only keep my feelings inside, further more another Aunty was trying so hard to matchmake her pretty and nice daughter with him so yes my feelings were left unknown.

When I turned 15 and lost lots of weight (because I was dieting like mad and frequently jogged at Taman Tar and went to the gym), when the hard work has started to pay off, I started to realize there were guys admiring me, finally. The cute boys at school started to notice I was visible, and people started to ask for my phone number, those kind of things well you know what I mean. Now Suraya was not only known as the shy, nice girl to be friends with, now she came with better looks.

However I will always remember my first crush. How he changes his hairstyles I think all of them were cute and suited him. How I know he had a huge crush on the girl on TV in the green dress, haha you know, Jennifer Love Hewitt and even had her photos in his room. He also had his exchange of gfs but I didn't feel so jealous because I knew that I will always remain to be the secret admirer (ok not so secretive because one of his bros, the loudest one who was closest to me and my sis knew I had a crush on him actually, and convinced me that HH liked me too LOL). I also find it adorable when he played basketball in front of his lovely home wearing bermuda shorts above his knees, and his mother would ask him to change into longer pants because he's showing his aurah, well even that small, puny moment is unforgettable to me. In fact I even find the way his name is spellt differently with a DZ at the back instead of the normal Z is unique and brilliant.

However I didn't know how Allah worked His great ways, but miracles happened when after a few years HH's mom told my mom that HH has a crush on me. Oh good Lord just imagine how I felt knowing this info, it was just too beautiful and amazing to describe it with words. I felt like I was the most loved person by Allah, and the luckiest gal on earth of course. The only problem was, both of our mothers knew both of us were too shy to make the first move. My principle in life is even before I wore hijab, as a Muslim Malay girl, I would never ever initiate the first step to make my interest in a guy apparent to him. If he likes me just as much, he must come to me and make the first move. If not, I will just regard it as it's not meant to be, or maybe he's just not that into me. Call me old-fashioned or backdated, that's my belief and I am adamant about it.

So years passed, and I went to MRSM Kuala Kubu Bharu, a boarding school but my best friends there, my roomates also knew about my first crush. Yes I also had my fair share of humiliating decisions, but not many people knew except my closest best friends at SMKTM and my sister Deena of course, knew that I had borrowed-without permission-and never returned which will sum up to stealing, one photo of him, that I pasted in my Leonardo DiCaprio & Claire Danes's Romeo & Juliet 1996 diary. Ok I swear THAT was truly embarrassing, humiliating, pathetic (even I could not forgive myself till now) but somehow I don't regret it totally. =) That is because I feel like that is the only hard copy of all the soft copy memories that I have of my first crush. I still keep that diary, for more than a decade now since I am 24 now and losing that page which I've pasted the photo would be a real loss to me, so I hope it won't happen.

Yes my best friend from MRSM once followed me to his house when my mother purchased some Ayam Percik from his mother, and that was the first time I truly believe he smiled at me, at the kitchen where he was helping his mother. If I'm not mistaken that was the first time he saw me wearing hijab, and since I was so uber shy, I was not even sure whether I smiled back or not. Even if I did I bet it was ugly, crooked or something. Seriously, I don't understand how can I be so confident being the emcee of events at school, being a debater representing my school since primary school and even had endless verbal arguments with my male schoolmates, had boyfriends already, but in front of HH I just became wanita Melayu terakhir (the last Malay woman), freaked out and could barely breathe. Pa-the wait for it, tic! In fact I would gaze on the floor in front of him, but seriously the feelings to know he's in the same vicinity with me gave me the most incredible feeling. I would feel the happiest when my best friend at home then told me how cute he was, and said 'Seriously Sue dia senyum kat kau!' (He smiled at you) and pretended not to believe and asked her to repeat the story again and again because I enjoyed knowing it. ='D

Then when we sort of knew, that we were kind of interested in each other, well it was like an open secret, we started to give polite smiles to one another if I go to his house for a visit with Ummi and my sister, but never spoken to each other. But then of course as we grew older, we had our own gf and bf. Years and after years of not seeing each other then the news broke and it hit me, that my first crush was getting married. I was happy outside, but the weird part inside..well..urm I was kind of crying. *sigh* It gave me the exact same feeling (in fact worse this time) when I knew my most favourite singer, Akhdiyat Duta Modjo from Sheila On 7 got hitched. Of course, it's not even imaginable of me marrying Duta or HH, but to know they were tying the knot felt like losing a part of myself. Yes I was happy to hear the good news, but just well, not sincerely.

So last Eid in 2009, we went again to his house months before his wedding. By this point I have a loving boyfriend whom I still have unsure feelings about him then since the relationship was still new. Well when I went to HH's with Ummi and Nana, I couldn't be happier to know that he came back for a holiday since he works in Jakarta, Indonesia and the happiest (and crazy nervous) to know he's at home, not going anywhere else when we visited. I was not trying to seduce someone's fiance of course never, but at least I wanted to look decent and pretty when I went there, still I would feel this huge bashful habit enveloped me again, and I would feel insecure though I tried to look as normal as possible. Ummi asked me to pass some Serunding Daging (meat floss) from home, he smiled sincerely when he received it from me but again I am not even sure till this day whether I didn't smile at all or gave him another poor crooked smile at that time. Dush!

Then when we were enjoying spaghetti bolognaise that his mum prepared, I felt like I was in heaven when he actually joint us to eat together with us, and he was sitting in front of me! (ok I'm the true definition of loser!) Though I was excited, I felt like my heart was beating the fastest. Before that Ummi told me that his mother told her that HH was not so sure whether he was marrying too soon, or whether he has chosen the right girl. Ok knowing that made me feel a little better (guilty!) and though I chatted comfortably just for the sake of appearing normal, when his mum told us there that he was not sure to get married or not in front of us, I saw that he was looking at the floor, and played with his spaghetti (even Nana noticed that) and I was not sure whether he felt kind of upset about that or embarrassed that his mother was telling us about that.

Then this big mouth of mine told the story about how I had a make-up client, which I was supposed to do the make-up for the groom's family members, cancelled our appointment the night before the big day. I thought they had another make-up artiste, or you know how relatives like to do make-up on each other. Then the next year, the same client booked me again to do the same kind of make-up. I thought this was for the wedding of another brother, when I did their make-up I was informed that it was for the very same groom. Last year, when all the preparations were made and invitation cards were delivered, the groom just bursted out the news that he was not ready to get married yet, the night before the wedding. Crazy stuff. I was so comfortable of just telling the story, when HH interrupted, looking at me solemnly asking "So did he marry the same girl or not?" I was dumbfounded, paused didn't know what to say. If any Tom, Dick or Harry asked me this I could simply answer the truth, but this was HH. My so-called HH. So I said "Urm I was not sure, but I think it must be the same girl." Then he just kept quiet, didn't smile or anything. Back at home Nana said to me, "Wow out of all the questions in the world he asked you that!" then I told Nana seriously I couldn't remember whether that groom married the same girl or not, but if I said no it will be interesting right and we had a great laugh. However honestly, at that time when HH asked me, I remembered clearly, that actually the groom wed a different girl, not his earlier fiance, but I just felt from his solemn expression that I saw, the first time in fact I felt like we had a real conversation though it was including our family members, well I assumed he needed some convincing from others, and instead of making his thinking and indecisive feelings more haywired, I just said yes the guy married the same girl. There's no point to be cruel Suraya if you were not marrying him anyway. Right?

So yes I did add him on Facebook, though I knew he was getting married. There's no harm to it I guess. Wonderfully, so so surprisingly when I made an album of my random photos, which I call Self-Shots, I was so astonished and delighted to know that he was the first one to Like that album. Hahaha another pathetic insight from Suraya, but I gloated about it to my sister and mother haha. =D It really meant something big to me, even those guys who personally commented how beautiful I am or even private message to hit on me, could not mean bigger than him Liking my album thee hee!

Yup so we went to his wedding on 20th March 2010 (this is the birthdate of one of my ex-boyfriends coincidentally) and I dressed up as possibly cute as I could think of haha. Nana said that I should be pretty that night. =D The wedding was beautiful, the bride was so gorgeous, and HH looked so happy I was happy too. I just got embarrassed when we wanted to take photos with the beautiful couple, that HH's mother said to me 'Ha Suraya pergi marah abang H tu!' (go and scold H) which was funny and sad at the same time. To be honest I slightly felt defeated as well. ='D

Well, I pray for the lovely couple to have a blessed marriage dunya wal akhirat, be bestowed with adorable babies, all soleh and solehah, and hopefully they'll attend my wedding too insha Allah. Most importantly I pray for him to be happy creating memories in his married life, because deep inside he'll always be special to me and will always remember him. I reckon this to be my most personal blog post just yet, and I could not believe I just walked down memory lane of my first crush on this Sunday morning with the tingling sensation of humiliation that gave me goosebumps, but it came together with bittersweet tears running down my cheeks. =')