Effortless Da'wah.

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Watching this video shared by my junior in MRSM KKB, Bro Azmir Azlan, made me feel I would like to share one of my status updates (trust me if you are a follower of my Facebook account, one just have to bear with me with super lengthy status updates. I always hang out with Ummi, my mother especially when she is always and out of the hospital and we have doctors' appointments almost everyday, so I release my stress on it just to communicate with other people) about da'wah and hidayah on women.

This video, enlightened me on the fact that if we keep having good intention among others, without trying to preach them but showing good examples, and especially pray for them, Allah will help us to spread da'wah effortlessly. This 5 minutes video also made me cried a bit, because in this vid, Aamir Khan pushed his mother's wheelchair among the millions of humans during Hajj season. Reminded me during Hajj 2008 when Ummi was sick as well, and I had my lunch but Ummi was too weak to follow me to the dining area. I got a plate of food for Ummi, but as usual, there were too many people waiting for their turn to get on the elevator. I gave up on waiting, and Allah knows where I had the might to climb up 20 flights of floor to reach our hotel room at the 10th floor. Just because I was worried Ummi was getting hungrier by the minute. We might think that it would be something for us to do for our parents, but no that kind of deed could never ever be compared to our parents' love and sacrifices for us.

You may see that right now I keep updating my blog more, even backdated posts because sometimes it gets too exhausting from managing my mother's illness, I just relax myself a bit by updating my blog. Where I feel like I am in my own zone. Although I intend to have my blog more like a Travel-Foody blog (not so lifestyle because I mainly focus on travelling and eateries reviews) but insha Allah if I have status updates which I might feel beneficial on us mankind generally and Muslims specifically, I will share just with the intention and hope that it will bring benefit to others no matter how small it may be.

This status update was well-received (almost 200 likes) so maybe, insha Allah, if others read it, ponder over it, might spread more benefit I hope. I have edited it to add some more points which I think explains more of it. So here goes :

"One reason I am never sarcastic or harsh about Muslimahs who do not observe their aurah (yet) because I always remember who I was before I observe my aurah. 

And I always remember my sister when she wore skirts & definitely no Jilbab yet, she was condemned & those who condemned her also condemned my mother & I for observing our aurah while my sister did not, were the ones who observe their aurah 

or as for the men, the so-called pious ones. And yes these 'pious' people hurt my feelings so bad till I cried wondering "What have I done to them? Did I ever hurt their feelings?" 

However when my Sister obtained hidayah to finally wears hijab, lillahi taala, after she read a Malay novel which had the sentence "What if when one wants to repent on the 12th hour, dies at the 11th hour?" Only when she confessed to me, that moment I confessed I wept when people condemned her for not wearing hijab yet, while I know she's a good daughter, protects her modesty and prays 5 times a day. And on 1st Ramadhan last year, she started to wear Hijab, I remember most of those who congratulated & supported her are the ones who don't observe their aurah, while those who condemned my family, and made me cried with such bitter words, the 'pious' ones, did not make a sound at all.

So yes those are the reasons that I don't judge people by their appearance. Some people I opine, are riya' and takabur with their piety. They look down upon those who are not as pious as them. I reckon that is wrong because I always remember Allah is Powerful, if He wants to make us all humans as Muslims or all of us Muslims as obedient Muslims, with all his Might & Power He can, only He chooses not to for His own reasons because He is the Wisest. I am also in the opinion, if, we are sarcastic to whom we may think not as pious as us, and we only mingle among those who may be on the same level as us, then how can we spread da'wah? 

I have experienced in my life a few ladies, whom wore skimpy clothes before but when I complimented them after their Hijrah, they told me "I wore them because I see that you are so beautiful in Hijab. And you are nice to me although I didn't wear like you before." So for me, da'wah can be spread with smiles, tender loving care, and especially good kind words & respect. One of these ladies I mentioned, she past away right after a few weeks she wore Hijab in Ramadhan, and past away in Shawal. Before that when I knew her, she would wear the skimpiest clothes even during Ramadhan, but when she started to wear Hijab, she started to be close to Al-Qur'an back, but Allah had better plans for her when she died in a car crash, the car was entirely burnt. It gave me goosebumps when I saw her photo in the news that she was wearing the Hijab that she bought from my booth (our Ramadhan booths were neighbours so our families became close). So I wonder, she past away when Hidayah came to her, so it was not impossible that she was purer than most of us at the time of her death. Wallahu'alam. I also recently encountered a 63 year old woman, sitting very high positions, but she humbly asked me "Can you teach me how you wear your Hijab? Your style is so pretty. I just recently wore Hijab." I just smiled to her and said "Alhamdulillah of course I can." So if a lady that is so much like my own Mother, can have great humility on the aspect of life which she feels she does not master, who are we to belittle others on the imaan?

I always pray for my Hidayah to be steadfast, but I don't like to judge, I will always remember who I was before. And who I am going to be tomorrow, I don't have the power to foresee my future. I may still be observing my aurah, or nauzubillah I may not. I may still be a Muslim, or nauzubillah I may not. However I always try my best to pray for myself & others, with the hopes others will pray for me too. However sarcasm on one's ibadah or 'amal is never my way of life. Allah is the Most Powerful to turn someone into a better or worse person. If we love our brothers & sisters just like the Rasulullah SAW loves us, I believe we should be kind to them, and pray for them insha Allah. And Allah will help us insha Allah. Wallahua'lam bissawab."

Just to recap, the lessons learnt from this very video are :

1) Allah can guide anyone he pleases, so never give up hope.

2) Do not pre-judge anyone, no matter your perception of them is.

3) Allah draws the creation to his friends and grants them honour.

4) Do dawah with wisdom and kindness, so as not to overburden and pressure people.


As usual, thanks for reading. =)

XOXO,

Sue

Jom Makan! Fresh Grilled Salmon @ El Fresco, the Italiano Cafe, Empire Subang.

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Today we went to meet Dr. Kumar for another episode of Ummi's numerous doctors' appointments. He, unfortunately decided for Ummi to be admitted, again. I was so sad for her, I cried a bit, just a bit though because I pity Ummi. Since the doctors at Ampang Puteri have surrendered Ummi's case to the General Hospital, everytime Ummi is admitted we have to bunk in at the 3rd Class first since the 1st Class is always full, so we have to be in the waiting list for our turn. We don't have any problem about staying at 3rd Class, my family adapts easily with whichever situation that comes in, but of course, 1st Class would be better so I can take off my hijab and it is quieter there because sometimes it could be too noisy (although Ummi enjoys chatting with her new friends at the 3rd Class).

Although we had to admit immediately, I just told Dr. Kumar that we had to run some errands and he was OK with that. Actually since last week, Ummi was craving to eat the Grilled Salmon at Empire, Subang Jaya, the one which was recommended by Aunty Lin's son-in-law Abang Sham, which he claimed to be super delicious. I just wanted to cheer Ummi up, especially at 3rd Class the food, well not being grateful, but taste-wise they taste terrible so I want her to enjoy her last meal before being admitted this time.

So from HKL we drove to Subang Jaya, apparently this was my first time going to Empire Subang haha although I passed it hundreds of times using the Federal Highway. Ummi previously went with Deena. I thought we were supposed to head for a restaurant but surprisingly this eatery locates at the front area of Jaya Grocer supermarket at the Ground Floor.

The Main Counter & Cashier.

The Menu.

There, the concept at El Fresco is that we need to go to the supermarket area specifically the Butchery or Seafood counters for fresh ingredients. As they state here, REALLY FRESH. I take their word for it since Jaya Grocer is the official main sponsor for the Masterchef Malaysia pantry. Yes you get your desired meat or seafood and without paying for it yet, you head over to the El Fresco cashier counter to pay and specify your cooking instructions. However as for the cooking instructions we asked for choices, the cashier cum cook informed that they only grill here. 

Jaya Grocer Supermarket, the view from El Fresco actually.

Fresh Seafood. Lots of different sizes of Salmon pieces. Prices according to weight. I was too shy to snap at the Butchery just next to the Seafood counter because the workers kept smiling at me, but anyways they have different choices of meat including Wagyu Beef for some great tasting luxurious steak.

The simple dining area, cafeteria like, with lights slightly dimmed.

Right in between of the dining area, there are some already prepared food for your liking such as Roast Chicken, Lamb, Ratatouille etc. I always find similarities in Italian and French food especially on their poultry and potato dishes  but of course the Italians are more distinct in their Pasta while the French with their breads and pastry department. 

Roast Chicken.

Sandwich chicken hams and bacon with Salad.

Roasted Beef Striploin.

Both of us ordered Grilled Salmon. Cool thing about El Fresco, you may just pay the price of the meat/fish not inclusive of their cooking service charges and they will serve you just that with the sauce which I think are sufficient enough to fill you up. However we added side orders; mine with Pasta of the Day while Ummi combined it with Mixed Vege which cost additional RM 6 each. 

While waiting for our main dishes, we dug in into the
 Potato Gratin
RM 6.80
that we ordered from the Ready to Eat Counter.
Hot, creamy, and quite a huge portion actually that filled both of us already.

Drinks;
Lemonade & Pink Lemonade Snapple
RM 7.50 each
It's naturally flavoured without preservatives, so the taste haha no sugar what else could I say? =D

It took some time for our main dishes to be ready, but we saw the cooks working non stop in the kitchen which can be seen from the dining area. I enjoyed chatting with Ummi (I feel like a motivator these days due to Ummi's condition) while looking at other customers who do the typical thing of snapping photos of their food before digging in. =) Finally they arrived. =)

Ummi's
Grilled Salmon with Mixed Vegetables.
RM 19.52 (RM 13.52 + RM 6)

Mine
Grilled Salmon with Aglio Olio Spaghetti.
RM 21.08 (RM 15.08 + RM 6)

Verdict : BEST GRILLED SALMON EVER TASTED! One, because it's cooked fresh. Second, because the way they grilled the salmon blocks so perfectly you could just feel the natural good oils of the Salmon oozing in your mouth, because they serve you them while it's hot from the wok and the meat taste ultimately succulent, tender and juicy. I could literally feel I am feeding on Omega 3 for a healthier heart haha! Even typing this reminds me of how good it was! *drool* The portion of both side dishes are sufficient to be shared for two, mixed vege was good except for the spaghetti was tad too oily (although they use healthy Olive Oil but too much made it not so good tasting) and the Honey Cajun Mustard for the sauce was heavenly. A definite must try! Cannot wait to bring Deena to eat here. =)

The price tags to prove they actually cooked the pieces of Salmon we chose.

Ummi enjoying her Grilled Salmon. Alhamdulillah everytime Ummi eats Salmon and Char Kuey Teow without fail she will finish up her meal, as opposed to other food which she would only eat very little of them.

Smile Ummi. =)

Oh yes, regardless of the super delish meal, Ummi cannot help feeling depressed and anxious but it is my duty to make her mood lifted up and to know that she is not alone in this difficult times. And alhamdulillah she finished her Salmon too this time though the Vege was a bit too much for her.

Ok total damage here, RM 62.40 only. So peeps, yes El Fresco is a must try, and for me it is cheap because if you eat at hotels for Grilled Salmon as huge and as good as this it may cost you approximately RM 35-40 I opine. There are also numerous of other Italian dishes for you to try. Service is also attentive and good. Cleanliness, good.  Will definitely come again. I just wish it is closer to home though hehe. =)


Thanks for reading. =)

XOXO,
Sue

Jom Makan! Authentic Spanish Cuisine @ La Bodega Tapas Y Vinos, Pavilion KL, Bukit Bintang, KL (November 2011)

Assalamualaikum Readers,

After numerous times of procrastinating and rescheduling for the past years, FINALLY, my best friend in kindergarten Tadika Fatima, Jalan Ampang, Zahia Aqilah  aka Iqi & I managed to meet up after so long! And thanks to her departure to Colombia which made the do or just don't point for us to rendezvous.

I offered to treat her for lunch and we promised to meet at Pavilion KL and will decide where to eat later. After so long of not meeting in person, just catching up via Facebook, it was truly amazing and comforting to know that we still communicate the same way. You know how most people when they haven't met for a long time, there is the inevitable feeling of insecurity thinking of "How is this friend going to act or react?" or "Before she shows off, it's better for me to present myself as having the more impressive kind of life." You know that kind. An movie example would be Adam Sandler's Grown Ups, where one of them totally lied about his accomplishments after meeting his old friends when the truth was his whole life was in the middle of numerous terrible crisis. Nevertheless, for me, if you are a true friend, no matter when you meet again, or how amazing your career track record has been, a friend should always remain as a friend. Not to impress, not to show off, or not to have the need of becoming the superior or better one in life. You accept your friend for who they are, and you be true for who you really are.

So yes, both of us confessed how relieve we are to know we still accept each other the same way, and how much we both miss each other. *pause for AwwwwW~ =D* Both of us were nervous that either of us could have changed. =D

Yes actually Iqi  was leaving for Colombia since now she is employed by Schlumberger (woot woot!) and initially she was told to be based in China, but due to certain turn of events, she was directed to the land of Drug Lords (yikes!). Iqi now is learning Spanish for her future conveniece and since she never tried Spanish food before though she learnt the names of the dishes, thus she chose La Bodega for our lunch.

Personally, I never tried La Bodega though I have seen some of my friends tried their food especially at the first branch in Bangsar. Apparently La Bodega @ Pavilion KL is their largest outlet to date but still it is designed with a healthy respect for the traditional warm and cosy "La Bodega" ambience that thousands of KL-ites have come to know and love. 

There are enough zones to accommodate parties, both large and small whilst still being able to provide that warm, welcoming, informal service to which their legion of regular customers have become accustomed to. The music program has also been updated to feature a whole new repertoire of Mediterranean, Cuban and South American vibes to complement regular live performances at weekends featuring the best of local and international funky Latin jazz, salsa and samba artists.

Source : La Bodega's Website

Zahia Aqilah the Engineer =)




Now let's talk about food!

Both of us ordered their Healthy Power Smoothies. Each at RM 18.


In the menu the nutrients of each smoothie are explained. 

Mine was Peach Melba (Calorie Buster). RM 18.


Banana. Peach and Orange.  This juice helps lower cholesterol and high blood pressure aiming at achieving optimum health. The potassium and magnesium count in bananas contribute to reduce high blood pressure , while oranges are full of bioflavonoids and carotenoids, which fight off cancer and other heart diseases. Peaches are ideal for weight loss.




It is so obvious why I ordered this right? It is so obvious I will fall over anything right? =D But why not since we will consume quite a hearty meal, so a yummy, tangy supposed to bust calorie smoothie will not harm anyone right? =D

Iqi's was the Melon-Berry Crush. RM 18


This pretty, summery drink is refreshing and rehydrating. Strawberries are thought to have calming properties.


It is refreshing indeed but I prefer mine.

We ordered two dishes so let's check out our starters first. We chose from the Tapas Y Raciones Calientes which means Hot Tapas & Raciones. All this while I thought Tapas is actually a name of their food, but actually it simply means Small. While Raciones means Large. They both simply refer to the portions of serving. Duhhh~ Anyways they have a long list of Tapas Y Raciones which consist of mainly seafood and some are made from chicken.

Gambas "Paco Alcalde". RM 24.


Prawns in an 'Andalusian style' spicy garlic and tomato sauce. Served with fresh, warm bread. 

Squeezed the lemon a bit to add more zest, and we enjoyed the bread dipped in the delicious prawn sauce. The size of the prawns are fine and they were succulent, and the tomato gravy somehow some way, I know it was tomato but it reminded me of our Malay dish of Sambal Tumis Udang only it was less spicier because no chili was involved. Glad to order this.

La Prawn hehe.

Now moving on to the main dish.

Paella Valenciana Mixta (Serves 2 People). RM 60.


Spanish Rice cooked with prawns, chicken, mussels, and clams in a paella with saffron, peppers and peas.

At first I had doubts looking at the huge platter filled with wet rice. I was nervous of how it would taste like I chewed slowly when I first consumed it. Pronounced as Pa-e-ya, I see it as the Spanish version of Fried Rice because that's what it reminded me only wetter and less spicier. However my anxiety was not for long since the wetness seeped through the heat and eventually you can actually see the form of the rice. Oh yes as for the chicken chunks, I did not consume them because I had doubts of its halal status so I just put those on the side.

Iqi and I were delighted of the amount of prawns, mussles and clams I mean come on it should be it was 60 bucks for a dish. Well actually though it says it serves for two, we had our extra servings more than twice and still it was not finished, obviously for Asian tummies, it serves for four. I even asked Iqi to take away the left over or else it would be such a waste. Oh yes interesting part that the name is Valenciana, actually most non-Spaniards see Paella as a Spanish national dish whereas Spaniards commonly see it as a regional Valenciana dish. You know it is like to see Nasi Dagang or Kepok Lekor as Malaysia's national dishes when us Malaysians see it as the IT dishes of Terengganu. Ok yes you got it you got it. =D

Before I say goodbye, here is a tiny souvenir from La Bodega, which I added to Ummi's tens of years collection of match boxes. =)



See you again in the next entry insha Allah, thank you for reading! =)

XOXO,
Sue

The Story of The Friend Who Always Fails to Attend Weddings & Ewa's Wedding @ Pine Tree Hotel, Batu Pahat, Johor. (November 2011)

Assalamualaikum Readers,

FYI I am the offender of friend-who-always-fails-to-attend-friends-wedding. Yes guilty as charged. I always receive invitations even from only friends on Facebook especially when I have a full account. As much as I am honoured for the invitations, sometimes I have bridal make-up jobs which clashes with the invitations, and well most of the time I always have excuses (valid I hope) such as family gatherings and other work for not appearing at these weddings or engagement parties. Yes! I know it's bad! Schoolmates even reminded me (intimidated me) by saying that there's a huge possibility for other friends not to attend my wedding since I don't attend theirs. *sigh*

Am I anti-social? Well not really, it's just that I always feel I have very few trustworthy friends, and fewer friends whom I feel comfortable in my own skin. So sometimes I just drag on the idea of attending one's wedding. For example, I have promised my friend, we're not so close, but she's good to me, in Johor Bharu. I have PROMISED her I will attend her wedding, and she was ecstatic. But on the very day itself, my friend who was supposed to accompany me to JB, he fell sick, like very high fever he claimed, so automatically Ummi did not allow me to drive 5 hours to JB and 5 hours back to KL on the same day. I tried all my resources trying to find a replacement, but it was the infamous date of 20.11.2011 where all my other friends were attending other weddings as well. By 1 pm, it was impossible for me to leave for JB right? In the end, I ended up accompanying Ummi visiting Dr. Nooraini since Ummi was having terrible coughs. Somehow, some way, I always end up at clinics and hospitals lately. Now I just have guilt for not attending that friend's wedding, though my best friend Mira said it was totally understandable, but I really feel like crap. So now I just Like that friend's newly wed photos on Facebook without commenting anything. I feel terrible. I am pathetic.

However yes, the lovely couple above in the photo, the bride was my schoolmate at MRSM Kuala Kubu Bharu. Her name is Sharifah Shahira but friends call her Ewa. Her wedding was held 3 hours from KL, somehow I managed to attend with another schoolmate, Famiza. Ewa was not close to me at all, we only bonded for a short while during a camp at school but just until that. Nevertheless when she invited me, somehow I was positive I could and will attend. And alhamdulillah I did. (yay!)

Ewa had a combined wedding ceremony with her elder sister, and since they choose an English theme, both of them looked so so gorgeous, quite Grace Kelly-ish. Honestly I couldn't keep my eyes off of her when I met her that day. Her make-up was flawless, and her upper and lower lashes were so suitable with her eyes. I especially love the hair-do with headband (I just love headbands). Just lovely. Best of all, Ewa's expression when she saw me the ever bubbly her shouted "Sue! You came!" and that was worth the drive. Well at least, I feel like I have redeemed myself A BIT for attending her wedding. But then again failed on 20112011. *sigh* I will do better insha Allah for more invitations which I could afford to attend.

As for Ewa and her husband, may your marriage be blessed in this life and in the Hereafter amin. =)

Regret.

Salam,

Firstly, it's the 1st day of Rejab, Allah's month. So we SHALL take advantage on it fully and to be followed by Sya'ban and Ramadhan insha Allah.

Lately I am overwhelmed with work. I love my work, both legal & my small business Abaya Suraya. I love both. People call lawyers as liars, well screw those people because it's a fact that we help people. One day those people WILL PHONE A LAWYER to help them on their needs be it about conveyancing, banking, sue their ex-husband or just simply when their kid gets into a fight at a club. Whatever. Just don't despise lawyers too much. =D YOU WILL CALL ME. =D

Oh yes, coming back, I love my job. Today I FINALLY manage to get the strata title for my client for her condo, a middle-aged couple who's been waiting for ages to get their title for the property. Alhamdulillah had to make an appeal as well as apart of the mixed up of our firm's name with his previous firm, had to sort that out. Turun naik pejabat sana sini, but alhamdulillah done. So no regret on that. As for yesterday, just knew a close relative had a credit card debt, unsettled and was summoned to Court. Insisted for him to attend, and he admitted his wrong and agreed to pay, settled that and no regret on that. Have a queue of parcels to be posted to my customers, and great new suppliers sending me their products to be updated for the Ramadhan/Eid collection. As for make-up jobs, I have 3 Bridal make-up jobs including Night make-up jobs on different clients to be done from 9am to perhaps 9 pm non-stop at Rebung Restaurant & Saloma Bistro tomorrow. No more boyfriend to accompany me (my ex used to carry the stuff for me and waited for hours, for free, out of being a great boyfriend of course. However no more boyfriend in Malaysia, so I am the independent woman it is). So alhamdulillah my financial flow is fine, kaching kaching, so should be no regret.

So what am I regretting? I love being a workaholic, and being the good daughter (I try) since Ummi is suffering defect of hearing on her left ear lately thus for the past month I accompanied her to a private ENT in Bangsar which costs about RM 300++ per session, which took place about only 5 minutes each, we felt that the doctor was preventing to do anything just to get us visit him again, and we went there for about 4 times and it cost Ummi about RM 1K (the last time we sounded quite pissed so no charge) and Ummi is now referred to Hospital Ampang. It's always like this, from private treatment to government treatment, which results into longer queues. I pity Ummi. =( Yes but being the good daughter, makes Ummi appreciates me more, because I take leave to bring her and wait for her there. However I hate it when Ummi thanks me that, I am the eldest daughter, the only daughter in fact here, so it is my responsibility from Allah. Again no regret.

On love life, I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3 years who loves me to bits and pieces. Alhamdulillah. I know he loves me more than I love him, and he admits that too. The only down fall is, he's far, currently in Najran, Saudi Arabia. I like long distance relationship for a reason to, I don't have to be prone to temptation of being an unmarried couple by going out and be lovey-dovey qabla nikah. I am trying my best to keep this relationship 100% healthy in its whole sense. Be blessed by Allah that's what I hope.

So what on this effing World am I regretting? Well this year, I keep dreaming an ex from school. The one I cruelly dumped (such a cruel word) ok I ended the relationship to be with this wonderful foreign guy from IIUM. Fell in love at the library, how original is that, that Sunsilk shampoo ad even captured that duhh). This ex from school, I was with him for a few months at school and had a second chance when he was with another girl maybe when we were both 19, and we both dumped our beaus at that time to get back together because we thought we were the love of our lives. And one guy from school told me he had a girlfriend back then which made me pissed off. So all slander now we're back together. How sweet. Until I ruined everything because he was far in aviation school pursuing his childhood ambition to become a pilot, and I went to the foreign guy. Who by all means is wonderful in every sense as well but then when he was back to his homeland for the break I had a fling with another guy, Malaysian this time and fell in love with that guy. This guy seriously had issues so Ummi hated him. Nevertheless, in short I was a BITCH. Well in my defense, I was on the position of being young and desired (budget hot la Suraya..) and I thought as long as I was not married, I was in the legitimate position to choose. So I did, and hurt people.

Was a bitch? Oh what's up with the past tense? Simply because..I am no longer a biatch anymore. Honestly! When I broke off with the foreign guy after 2 years, we broke off because loss of trust (my fault again) and we disrespect each other's political views (yes I am passionate about the ups and downs of politics and more importantly very patriotic). I went for Hajj with a broken heart. SMSed the foreign guy for the last time as an attempt to patch up things back, but no reply. I was devastated. Nevertheless miracles do happen, my current boyfriend found me. I can say I found him but I prefer to portray it as he found me hehe. And he's beyond words more wonderful than anything, his akhlaq is what captured my heart the most. The best thing is that he doesn't know that he's that wonderful. On looks, he's not as dashing as all my ex-boyfriends mentioned, but he's goodlooking too, well at least other people say so. As for me, I don't care about looks anymore. I just know he respects me and loves me, and I am a Hajjah now, I vow not to hurt the feelings of anymore innocent man no longer. I just want to be grateful by the gifts Allah has given me. Only when I returned from Hajj the foreign guy said he just received my SMS, and he brought me for dinner, where he attempted to be back with me, but I just had to say no, this new guy, stole my heart. Honestly only Allah, my family & best friends knew how I suffered the previous heartbreak. I never thought I'd love again but I just do.

So we've been together for 3 years now alhamdulillah, long distance, he'll do anything for me, help me with my business, pamper me with anything I crave for, visited me once in Ramadhan for a month last year, and most importantly he never even tried to touch me not even hold my hands. Maybe that is from upbringing in Makkah, but people they can lose their original morals when they're far from hometown and family, but he did not do such things at all. He still goes for solat Tarawikh here, and most importantly, he respects me, and that is the particular thing which makes me loves him the most. When he respects me and himself, I respect myself more.

Only lately this year, I keep dreaming of my ex from school. I always dream two, him and the younger guy whom I dated briefly. It's still a bewilderment to me, on how such short relationships still haunt me about 6-8 years later. I am only human, I do not have the answers to that. However I dream of the former more, and each and every dream is so surreal it scares me. You know, waking up weeping not knowing whether I still have feelings for him or not. Even if I have, I don't want to care about that, because I am with a new good man, who's loyal with me, who taught me about loyalty, and I just don't want to ruin anybody's lives again. I'm so through with that.

As an attempt to solve this metaphysic realm which affects me, I messaged him on FB saying that I keep dreaming of him. (he's not on my friends list, well he phoned me long time ago saying all those break offs between me and him, has settled and he's fine and we're on good terms as not enemies, which I thanked him profusely). I told him, if there's still hatred he has in me, please I beg him to forgive me, I don't know whether these dreams keep coming to me because of my past sins. No reply. He added me on FB though. I panicked. I really don't want him to read my self-centred status updates which is updated literally every minute due to boredom most of the time., though he still can if he opens my account since it's public. I panicked, to approve or not. I asked for Ummi's opinion. She said just approve (ok he's favourite bakal-menantu-tak-jadi linked with me is this pilot guy, the foreign guy and the engineer from UTP guy) so I approved.

Oh. He's recently engaged. Ok. I felt an itsy-bitsy pang of jealousy but why should I? I am with a great guy and though we're not engaged yet but that's by choice. I will freak out if I get married before or at the age of 25. I always aim 27 the earliest because I want to have a stable career. I love being a career woman and marriage is not my biggest fancy for the time being. I even remember when this ex told me when we turn 21, we'll get engaged, I gulped because I felt that was awfully young. And when him and the foreign guy, gave me promise rings, I felt lucky, loved and also freaked out. I am romantic, but career comes first before marriage, as long as I am still single. So I was being positive, I was happy for him. And his sweet, wonderful fiancee I bet, she's a lucky girl to have him, and I bet he's luckier to have her too, because I was evil. Yup. So with bona fide (good intention in legal terms) I messaged him (thinking we're sort of friends) congratulating him like I'm the happiest person in the world, and sharing my story about my boyfriend now. About how in a tremendously freaky way, my current boyfriend has the maximum similarities with him. Hardworking like an ant, busy like a bee, ok cut the crap Suraya, nice to everybody, loving, will do anything for me, especially that, sometimes awkward, not good at making jokes, but has a virtuous heart. I even absentmindedly told him on the FB message that, Allah has given me a 3rd chance to be with you by being with him (current boyfriend). Yes. I meant that.

I even told him do not forget to invite my family and I to attend his wedding, you know an all-happy, a little too excited ex-girlfriend since the ex has moved on for the betterment of his life. That's virtuous right??? Nothing evil or inflicted with Mala Fide (legal term for Bad Intention)Thus I expected a reply of him being happy for me too! But no! And I felt downnnnnnnnnnnn..and humiliated. I thought we're friends for God's sake though not the best of friends. Apparently he just added me to show off he's engaged. *sigh*

Utter humiliation for me. Maybe this is how he still feels. *change the sex please*

So I regret contacting him, pouring my heart out at that time. TRULY FELT EMBARRASSED. So I deleted him because I thought there's no point to have him, because he doesn't treat me like a friend at all. I blocked him and his fiancee for a certain while, I don't know why I did that, but I just did. Nevertheless, apart from that, I do feel lonely my boyfriend is so far away, I wish I could go to places with him, but even if he's here, I prefer not to go on dates with him, not too many until we're hitched insha Allah.

So I keep getting these dreams of him. I don't know why I don't dream of the foreign guy whom I loved madly and even admitted to the pilot when he phoned me that that foreign ex was the love of my life. Bushet semua tu! *Usin from Hantu Kak Limah* *sigh* Because after watching Ayat-Ayat Cinta (again) the film educated me that love of our life is only Allah. And our parents. And husbands, soleh husbands, meaning not boyfriends but husbands. Afterwards, that's how I cope up of not to love a man out of wedlock too deeply. If I get married with him alhamdulillah, if not, then next! Yes I am that kind now. We don't live in movies especially Bollywood movies where we'll hurt our parents' feelings just because we love someone from the different sex / or same sex in today's scenario, and not to be blessed and jeopardize our future. Somehow Allah will punish us. I believe that.

It's just lately, even last night I dreamt of him again. I have no secrets with Ummi and I told her about it. Ummi as usual will make me feel worse reminding me of dumping a good, wonderful man like him. She doesn't get it, I am with my boyfriend now who makes me super happy and contented, but she keeps bringing that up. She's just afraid I will move to Saudi and there's only my sister and I. I understand but my bf is a good man too insha Allah. Well I cry sometimes, thinking of this ex who's getting married..somehow I feel torn. I won't pull any antic of mine and damage his life with his fiancee (or perhaps they are married now I don't know). I don't even know if I miss him or not, because we've separated 5 years back. So he's a changed person, as how I surprised myself for being loyal in a long-term long distance relationship now. People change. It happens without us realizing. I don't know him now.

Right?

I wish him well, I don't know if ONLY NOW I have regret for dumping him. I just don't know. At times I wish I am married, going to Masjidil Haram everyday, performs solat before the Kaabah everyday, that will be the ultimate bliss. Maybe I am just jealous he's moved on. I don't know. And I don't know how to end this post perfectly. I am just clueless. I want him to be happy. He deserves it because I have hurt him twice. He's a good soul. And I don't know why I feel like I belong to be in the dumpsters. I really don't know how to end this. I am just typing. I don't know. I pray him well. I pray for him to be happy. Ok I am rambling. bye.

Salam.

Final note, to always remember. Allah is indeed my first love. Not men. Because HE's always with me no matter how bad I am. HE's the ultimate forgiver. And HE knows what's best for me. Hopefully my Rejab, Sya'ban & Ramadhan will be at its best this time amin.

ps* Ok i think this is funny though! Hehe not applicable to us Muslims of course =D Cheerios! *held my head up high and SMILE* =)