Regret.

Salam,

Firstly, it's the 1st day of Rejab, Allah's month. So we SHALL take advantage on it fully and to be followed by Sya'ban and Ramadhan insha Allah.

Lately I am overwhelmed with work. I love my work, both legal & my small business Abaya Suraya. I love both. People call lawyers as liars, well screw those people because it's a fact that we help people. One day those people WILL PHONE A LAWYER to help them on their needs be it about conveyancing, banking, sue their ex-husband or just simply when their kid gets into a fight at a club. Whatever. Just don't despise lawyers too much. =D YOU WILL CALL ME. =D

Oh yes, coming back, I love my job. Today I FINALLY manage to get the strata title for my client for her condo, a middle-aged couple who's been waiting for ages to get their title for the property. Alhamdulillah had to make an appeal as well as apart of the mixed up of our firm's name with his previous firm, had to sort that out. Turun naik pejabat sana sini, but alhamdulillah done. So no regret on that. As for yesterday, just knew a close relative had a credit card debt, unsettled and was summoned to Court. Insisted for him to attend, and he admitted his wrong and agreed to pay, settled that and no regret on that. Have a queue of parcels to be posted to my customers, and great new suppliers sending me their products to be updated for the Ramadhan/Eid collection. As for make-up jobs, I have 3 Bridal make-up jobs including Night make-up jobs on different clients to be done from 9am to perhaps 9 pm non-stop at Rebung Restaurant & Saloma Bistro tomorrow. No more boyfriend to accompany me (my ex used to carry the stuff for me and waited for hours, for free, out of being a great boyfriend of course. However no more boyfriend in Malaysia, so I am the independent woman it is). So alhamdulillah my financial flow is fine, kaching kaching, so should be no regret.

So what am I regretting? I love being a workaholic, and being the good daughter (I try) since Ummi is suffering defect of hearing on her left ear lately thus for the past month I accompanied her to a private ENT in Bangsar which costs about RM 300++ per session, which took place about only 5 minutes each, we felt that the doctor was preventing to do anything just to get us visit him again, and we went there for about 4 times and it cost Ummi about RM 1K (the last time we sounded quite pissed so no charge) and Ummi is now referred to Hospital Ampang. It's always like this, from private treatment to government treatment, which results into longer queues. I pity Ummi. =( Yes but being the good daughter, makes Ummi appreciates me more, because I take leave to bring her and wait for her there. However I hate it when Ummi thanks me that, I am the eldest daughter, the only daughter in fact here, so it is my responsibility from Allah. Again no regret.

On love life, I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3 years who loves me to bits and pieces. Alhamdulillah. I know he loves me more than I love him, and he admits that too. The only down fall is, he's far, currently in Najran, Saudi Arabia. I like long distance relationship for a reason to, I don't have to be prone to temptation of being an unmarried couple by going out and be lovey-dovey qabla nikah. I am trying my best to keep this relationship 100% healthy in its whole sense. Be blessed by Allah that's what I hope.

So what on this effing World am I regretting? Well this year, I keep dreaming an ex from school. The one I cruelly dumped (such a cruel word) ok I ended the relationship to be with this wonderful foreign guy from IIUM. Fell in love at the library, how original is that, that Sunsilk shampoo ad even captured that duhh). This ex from school, I was with him for a few months at school and had a second chance when he was with another girl maybe when we were both 19, and we both dumped our beaus at that time to get back together because we thought we were the love of our lives. And one guy from school told me he had a girlfriend back then which made me pissed off. So all slander now we're back together. How sweet. Until I ruined everything because he was far in aviation school pursuing his childhood ambition to become a pilot, and I went to the foreign guy. Who by all means is wonderful in every sense as well but then when he was back to his homeland for the break I had a fling with another guy, Malaysian this time and fell in love with that guy. This guy seriously had issues so Ummi hated him. Nevertheless, in short I was a BITCH. Well in my defense, I was on the position of being young and desired (budget hot la Suraya..) and I thought as long as I was not married, I was in the legitimate position to choose. So I did, and hurt people.

Was a bitch? Oh what's up with the past tense? Simply because..I am no longer a biatch anymore. Honestly! When I broke off with the foreign guy after 2 years, we broke off because loss of trust (my fault again) and we disrespect each other's political views (yes I am passionate about the ups and downs of politics and more importantly very patriotic). I went for Hajj with a broken heart. SMSed the foreign guy for the last time as an attempt to patch up things back, but no reply. I was devastated. Nevertheless miracles do happen, my current boyfriend found me. I can say I found him but I prefer to portray it as he found me hehe. And he's beyond words more wonderful than anything, his akhlaq is what captured my heart the most. The best thing is that he doesn't know that he's that wonderful. On looks, he's not as dashing as all my ex-boyfriends mentioned, but he's goodlooking too, well at least other people say so. As for me, I don't care about looks anymore. I just know he respects me and loves me, and I am a Hajjah now, I vow not to hurt the feelings of anymore innocent man no longer. I just want to be grateful by the gifts Allah has given me. Only when I returned from Hajj the foreign guy said he just received my SMS, and he brought me for dinner, where he attempted to be back with me, but I just had to say no, this new guy, stole my heart. Honestly only Allah, my family & best friends knew how I suffered the previous heartbreak. I never thought I'd love again but I just do.

So we've been together for 3 years now alhamdulillah, long distance, he'll do anything for me, help me with my business, pamper me with anything I crave for, visited me once in Ramadhan for a month last year, and most importantly he never even tried to touch me not even hold my hands. Maybe that is from upbringing in Makkah, but people they can lose their original morals when they're far from hometown and family, but he did not do such things at all. He still goes for solat Tarawikh here, and most importantly, he respects me, and that is the particular thing which makes me loves him the most. When he respects me and himself, I respect myself more.

Only lately this year, I keep dreaming of my ex from school. I always dream two, him and the younger guy whom I dated briefly. It's still a bewilderment to me, on how such short relationships still haunt me about 6-8 years later. I am only human, I do not have the answers to that. However I dream of the former more, and each and every dream is so surreal it scares me. You know, waking up weeping not knowing whether I still have feelings for him or not. Even if I have, I don't want to care about that, because I am with a new good man, who's loyal with me, who taught me about loyalty, and I just don't want to ruin anybody's lives again. I'm so through with that.

As an attempt to solve this metaphysic realm which affects me, I messaged him on FB saying that I keep dreaming of him. (he's not on my friends list, well he phoned me long time ago saying all those break offs between me and him, has settled and he's fine and we're on good terms as not enemies, which I thanked him profusely). I told him, if there's still hatred he has in me, please I beg him to forgive me, I don't know whether these dreams keep coming to me because of my past sins. No reply. He added me on FB though. I panicked. I really don't want him to read my self-centred status updates which is updated literally every minute due to boredom most of the time., though he still can if he opens my account since it's public. I panicked, to approve or not. I asked for Ummi's opinion. She said just approve (ok he's favourite bakal-menantu-tak-jadi linked with me is this pilot guy, the foreign guy and the engineer from UTP guy) so I approved.

Oh. He's recently engaged. Ok. I felt an itsy-bitsy pang of jealousy but why should I? I am with a great guy and though we're not engaged yet but that's by choice. I will freak out if I get married before or at the age of 25. I always aim 27 the earliest because I want to have a stable career. I love being a career woman and marriage is not my biggest fancy for the time being. I even remember when this ex told me when we turn 21, we'll get engaged, I gulped because I felt that was awfully young. And when him and the foreign guy, gave me promise rings, I felt lucky, loved and also freaked out. I am romantic, but career comes first before marriage, as long as I am still single. So I was being positive, I was happy for him. And his sweet, wonderful fiancee I bet, she's a lucky girl to have him, and I bet he's luckier to have her too, because I was evil. Yup. So with bona fide (good intention in legal terms) I messaged him (thinking we're sort of friends) congratulating him like I'm the happiest person in the world, and sharing my story about my boyfriend now. About how in a tremendously freaky way, my current boyfriend has the maximum similarities with him. Hardworking like an ant, busy like a bee, ok cut the crap Suraya, nice to everybody, loving, will do anything for me, especially that, sometimes awkward, not good at making jokes, but has a virtuous heart. I even absentmindedly told him on the FB message that, Allah has given me a 3rd chance to be with you by being with him (current boyfriend). Yes. I meant that.

I even told him do not forget to invite my family and I to attend his wedding, you know an all-happy, a little too excited ex-girlfriend since the ex has moved on for the betterment of his life. That's virtuous right??? Nothing evil or inflicted with Mala Fide (legal term for Bad Intention)Thus I expected a reply of him being happy for me too! But no! And I felt downnnnnnnnnnnn..and humiliated. I thought we're friends for God's sake though not the best of friends. Apparently he just added me to show off he's engaged. *sigh*

Utter humiliation for me. Maybe this is how he still feels. *change the sex please*

So I regret contacting him, pouring my heart out at that time. TRULY FELT EMBARRASSED. So I deleted him because I thought there's no point to have him, because he doesn't treat me like a friend at all. I blocked him and his fiancee for a certain while, I don't know why I did that, but I just did. Nevertheless, apart from that, I do feel lonely my boyfriend is so far away, I wish I could go to places with him, but even if he's here, I prefer not to go on dates with him, not too many until we're hitched insha Allah.

So I keep getting these dreams of him. I don't know why I don't dream of the foreign guy whom I loved madly and even admitted to the pilot when he phoned me that that foreign ex was the love of my life. Bushet semua tu! *Usin from Hantu Kak Limah* *sigh* Because after watching Ayat-Ayat Cinta (again) the film educated me that love of our life is only Allah. And our parents. And husbands, soleh husbands, meaning not boyfriends but husbands. Afterwards, that's how I cope up of not to love a man out of wedlock too deeply. If I get married with him alhamdulillah, if not, then next! Yes I am that kind now. We don't live in movies especially Bollywood movies where we'll hurt our parents' feelings just because we love someone from the different sex / or same sex in today's scenario, and not to be blessed and jeopardize our future. Somehow Allah will punish us. I believe that.

It's just lately, even last night I dreamt of him again. I have no secrets with Ummi and I told her about it. Ummi as usual will make me feel worse reminding me of dumping a good, wonderful man like him. She doesn't get it, I am with my boyfriend now who makes me super happy and contented, but she keeps bringing that up. She's just afraid I will move to Saudi and there's only my sister and I. I understand but my bf is a good man too insha Allah. Well I cry sometimes, thinking of this ex who's getting married..somehow I feel torn. I won't pull any antic of mine and damage his life with his fiancee (or perhaps they are married now I don't know). I don't even know if I miss him or not, because we've separated 5 years back. So he's a changed person, as how I surprised myself for being loyal in a long-term long distance relationship now. People change. It happens without us realizing. I don't know him now.

Right?

I wish him well, I don't know if ONLY NOW I have regret for dumping him. I just don't know. At times I wish I am married, going to Masjidil Haram everyday, performs solat before the Kaabah everyday, that will be the ultimate bliss. Maybe I am just jealous he's moved on. I don't know. And I don't know how to end this post perfectly. I am just clueless. I want him to be happy. He deserves it because I have hurt him twice. He's a good soul. And I don't know why I feel like I belong to be in the dumpsters. I really don't know how to end this. I am just typing. I don't know. I pray him well. I pray for him to be happy. Ok I am rambling. bye.

Salam.

Final note, to always remember. Allah is indeed my first love. Not men. Because HE's always with me no matter how bad I am. HE's the ultimate forgiver. And HE knows what's best for me. Hopefully my Rejab, Sya'ban & Ramadhan will be at its best this time amin.

ps* Ok i think this is funny though! Hehe not applicable to us Muslims of course =D Cheerios! *held my head up high and SMILE* =)