Prayer for Ummi.

Assalamualaikum,

Ummi went for CT Scan again. Insha Allah tomorrow she will go through the Lumbar Puncture procedure or in Malay we call it 'ambil air tulang belakang'.  The doctors said there are nothing much to worry about, but we are still anxious definitely. Anyways, we shall think positively insha Allah and we do see the doctors are trying their very best for her. For those who pray for my Mother, thank you so much, may Allah bless you. Wassalam.

"There is a cure for everything in the 'Opening of the Book' (Surah Al-Fatihah)"
Al-Baihaqi & Ad-Darimi 

XOXO,

Sue

Jom Makan! Fresh Grilled Salmon @ El Fresco, the Italiano Cafe, Empire Subang.

Assalamualaikum wbt,

Today we went to meet Dr. Kumar for another episode of Ummi's numerous doctors' appointments. He, unfortunately decided for Ummi to be admitted, again. I was so sad for her, I cried a bit, just a bit though because I pity Ummi. Since the doctors at Ampang Puteri have surrendered Ummi's case to the General Hospital, everytime Ummi is admitted we have to bunk in at the 3rd Class first since the 1st Class is always full, so we have to be in the waiting list for our turn. We don't have any problem about staying at 3rd Class, my family adapts easily with whichever situation that comes in, but of course, 1st Class would be better so I can take off my hijab and it is quieter there because sometimes it could be too noisy (although Ummi enjoys chatting with her new friends at the 3rd Class).

Although we had to admit immediately, I just told Dr. Kumar that we had to run some errands and he was OK with that. Actually since last week, Ummi was craving to eat the Grilled Salmon at Empire, Subang Jaya, the one which was recommended by Aunty Lin's son-in-law Abang Sham, which he claimed to be super delicious. I just wanted to cheer Ummi up, especially at 3rd Class the food, well not being grateful, but taste-wise they taste terrible so I want her to enjoy her last meal before being admitted this time.

So from HKL we drove to Subang Jaya, apparently this was my first time going to Empire Subang haha although I passed it hundreds of times using the Federal Highway. Ummi previously went with Deena. I thought we were supposed to head for a restaurant but surprisingly this eatery locates at the front area of Jaya Grocer supermarket at the Ground Floor.

The Main Counter & Cashier.

The Menu.

There, the concept at El Fresco is that we need to go to the supermarket area specifically the Butchery or Seafood counters for fresh ingredients. As they state here, REALLY FRESH. I take their word for it since Jaya Grocer is the official main sponsor for the Masterchef Malaysia pantry. Yes you get your desired meat or seafood and without paying for it yet, you head over to the El Fresco cashier counter to pay and specify your cooking instructions. However as for the cooking instructions we asked for choices, the cashier cum cook informed that they only grill here. 

Jaya Grocer Supermarket, the view from El Fresco actually.

Fresh Seafood. Lots of different sizes of Salmon pieces. Prices according to weight. I was too shy to snap at the Butchery just next to the Seafood counter because the workers kept smiling at me, but anyways they have different choices of meat including Wagyu Beef for some great tasting luxurious steak.

The simple dining area, cafeteria like, with lights slightly dimmed.

Right in between of the dining area, there are some already prepared food for your liking such as Roast Chicken, Lamb, Ratatouille etc. I always find similarities in Italian and French food especially on their poultry and potato dishes  but of course the Italians are more distinct in their Pasta while the French with their breads and pastry department. 

Roast Chicken.

Sandwich chicken hams and bacon with Salad.

Roasted Beef Striploin.

Both of us ordered Grilled Salmon. Cool thing about El Fresco, you may just pay the price of the meat/fish not inclusive of their cooking service charges and they will serve you just that with the sauce which I think are sufficient enough to fill you up. However we added side orders; mine with Pasta of the Day while Ummi combined it with Mixed Vege which cost additional RM 6 each. 

While waiting for our main dishes, we dug in into the
 Potato Gratin
RM 6.80
that we ordered from the Ready to Eat Counter.
Hot, creamy, and quite a huge portion actually that filled both of us already.

Drinks;
Lemonade & Pink Lemonade Snapple
RM 7.50 each
It's naturally flavoured without preservatives, so the taste haha no sugar what else could I say? =D

It took some time for our main dishes to be ready, but we saw the cooks working non stop in the kitchen which can be seen from the dining area. I enjoyed chatting with Ummi (I feel like a motivator these days due to Ummi's condition) while looking at other customers who do the typical thing of snapping photos of their food before digging in. =) Finally they arrived. =)

Ummi's
Grilled Salmon with Mixed Vegetables.
RM 19.52 (RM 13.52 + RM 6)

Mine
Grilled Salmon with Aglio Olio Spaghetti.
RM 21.08 (RM 15.08 + RM 6)

Verdict : BEST GRILLED SALMON EVER TASTED! One, because it's cooked fresh. Second, because the way they grilled the salmon blocks so perfectly you could just feel the natural good oils of the Salmon oozing in your mouth, because they serve you them while it's hot from the wok and the meat taste ultimately succulent, tender and juicy. I could literally feel I am feeding on Omega 3 for a healthier heart haha! Even typing this reminds me of how good it was! *drool* The portion of both side dishes are sufficient to be shared for two, mixed vege was good except for the spaghetti was tad too oily (although they use healthy Olive Oil but too much made it not so good tasting) and the Honey Cajun Mustard for the sauce was heavenly. A definite must try! Cannot wait to bring Deena to eat here. =)

The price tags to prove they actually cooked the pieces of Salmon we chose.

Ummi enjoying her Grilled Salmon. Alhamdulillah everytime Ummi eats Salmon and Char Kuey Teow without fail she will finish up her meal, as opposed to other food which she would only eat very little of them.

Smile Ummi. =)

Oh yes, regardless of the super delish meal, Ummi cannot help feeling depressed and anxious but it is my duty to make her mood lifted up and to know that she is not alone in this difficult times. And alhamdulillah she finished her Salmon too this time though the Vege was a bit too much for her.

Ok total damage here, RM 62.40 only. So peeps, yes El Fresco is a must try, and for me it is cheap because if you eat at hotels for Grilled Salmon as huge and as good as this it may cost you approximately RM 35-40 I opine. There are also numerous of other Italian dishes for you to try. Service is also attentive and good. Cleanliness, good.  Will definitely come again. I just wish it is closer to home though hehe. =)


Thanks for reading. =)

XOXO,
Sue

Regret.

Salam,

Firstly, it's the 1st day of Rejab, Allah's month. So we SHALL take advantage on it fully and to be followed by Sya'ban and Ramadhan insha Allah.

Lately I am overwhelmed with work. I love my work, both legal & my small business Abaya Suraya. I love both. People call lawyers as liars, well screw those people because it's a fact that we help people. One day those people WILL PHONE A LAWYER to help them on their needs be it about conveyancing, banking, sue their ex-husband or just simply when their kid gets into a fight at a club. Whatever. Just don't despise lawyers too much. =D YOU WILL CALL ME. =D

Oh yes, coming back, I love my job. Today I FINALLY manage to get the strata title for my client for her condo, a middle-aged couple who's been waiting for ages to get their title for the property. Alhamdulillah had to make an appeal as well as apart of the mixed up of our firm's name with his previous firm, had to sort that out. Turun naik pejabat sana sini, but alhamdulillah done. So no regret on that. As for yesterday, just knew a close relative had a credit card debt, unsettled and was summoned to Court. Insisted for him to attend, and he admitted his wrong and agreed to pay, settled that and no regret on that. Have a queue of parcels to be posted to my customers, and great new suppliers sending me their products to be updated for the Ramadhan/Eid collection. As for make-up jobs, I have 3 Bridal make-up jobs including Night make-up jobs on different clients to be done from 9am to perhaps 9 pm non-stop at Rebung Restaurant & Saloma Bistro tomorrow. No more boyfriend to accompany me (my ex used to carry the stuff for me and waited for hours, for free, out of being a great boyfriend of course. However no more boyfriend in Malaysia, so I am the independent woman it is). So alhamdulillah my financial flow is fine, kaching kaching, so should be no regret.

So what am I regretting? I love being a workaholic, and being the good daughter (I try) since Ummi is suffering defect of hearing on her left ear lately thus for the past month I accompanied her to a private ENT in Bangsar which costs about RM 300++ per session, which took place about only 5 minutes each, we felt that the doctor was preventing to do anything just to get us visit him again, and we went there for about 4 times and it cost Ummi about RM 1K (the last time we sounded quite pissed so no charge) and Ummi is now referred to Hospital Ampang. It's always like this, from private treatment to government treatment, which results into longer queues. I pity Ummi. =( Yes but being the good daughter, makes Ummi appreciates me more, because I take leave to bring her and wait for her there. However I hate it when Ummi thanks me that, I am the eldest daughter, the only daughter in fact here, so it is my responsibility from Allah. Again no regret.

On love life, I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3 years who loves me to bits and pieces. Alhamdulillah. I know he loves me more than I love him, and he admits that too. The only down fall is, he's far, currently in Najran, Saudi Arabia. I like long distance relationship for a reason to, I don't have to be prone to temptation of being an unmarried couple by going out and be lovey-dovey qabla nikah. I am trying my best to keep this relationship 100% healthy in its whole sense. Be blessed by Allah that's what I hope.

So what on this effing World am I regretting? Well this year, I keep dreaming an ex from school. The one I cruelly dumped (such a cruel word) ok I ended the relationship to be with this wonderful foreign guy from IIUM. Fell in love at the library, how original is that, that Sunsilk shampoo ad even captured that duhh). This ex from school, I was with him for a few months at school and had a second chance when he was with another girl maybe when we were both 19, and we both dumped our beaus at that time to get back together because we thought we were the love of our lives. And one guy from school told me he had a girlfriend back then which made me pissed off. So all slander now we're back together. How sweet. Until I ruined everything because he was far in aviation school pursuing his childhood ambition to become a pilot, and I went to the foreign guy. Who by all means is wonderful in every sense as well but then when he was back to his homeland for the break I had a fling with another guy, Malaysian this time and fell in love with that guy. This guy seriously had issues so Ummi hated him. Nevertheless, in short I was a BITCH. Well in my defense, I was on the position of being young and desired (budget hot la Suraya..) and I thought as long as I was not married, I was in the legitimate position to choose. So I did, and hurt people.

Was a bitch? Oh what's up with the past tense? Simply because..I am no longer a biatch anymore. Honestly! When I broke off with the foreign guy after 2 years, we broke off because loss of trust (my fault again) and we disrespect each other's political views (yes I am passionate about the ups and downs of politics and more importantly very patriotic). I went for Hajj with a broken heart. SMSed the foreign guy for the last time as an attempt to patch up things back, but no reply. I was devastated. Nevertheless miracles do happen, my current boyfriend found me. I can say I found him but I prefer to portray it as he found me hehe. And he's beyond words more wonderful than anything, his akhlaq is what captured my heart the most. The best thing is that he doesn't know that he's that wonderful. On looks, he's not as dashing as all my ex-boyfriends mentioned, but he's goodlooking too, well at least other people say so. As for me, I don't care about looks anymore. I just know he respects me and loves me, and I am a Hajjah now, I vow not to hurt the feelings of anymore innocent man no longer. I just want to be grateful by the gifts Allah has given me. Only when I returned from Hajj the foreign guy said he just received my SMS, and he brought me for dinner, where he attempted to be back with me, but I just had to say no, this new guy, stole my heart. Honestly only Allah, my family & best friends knew how I suffered the previous heartbreak. I never thought I'd love again but I just do.

So we've been together for 3 years now alhamdulillah, long distance, he'll do anything for me, help me with my business, pamper me with anything I crave for, visited me once in Ramadhan for a month last year, and most importantly he never even tried to touch me not even hold my hands. Maybe that is from upbringing in Makkah, but people they can lose their original morals when they're far from hometown and family, but he did not do such things at all. He still goes for solat Tarawikh here, and most importantly, he respects me, and that is the particular thing which makes me loves him the most. When he respects me and himself, I respect myself more.

Only lately this year, I keep dreaming of my ex from school. I always dream two, him and the younger guy whom I dated briefly. It's still a bewilderment to me, on how such short relationships still haunt me about 6-8 years later. I am only human, I do not have the answers to that. However I dream of the former more, and each and every dream is so surreal it scares me. You know, waking up weeping not knowing whether I still have feelings for him or not. Even if I have, I don't want to care about that, because I am with a new good man, who's loyal with me, who taught me about loyalty, and I just don't want to ruin anybody's lives again. I'm so through with that.

As an attempt to solve this metaphysic realm which affects me, I messaged him on FB saying that I keep dreaming of him. (he's not on my friends list, well he phoned me long time ago saying all those break offs between me and him, has settled and he's fine and we're on good terms as not enemies, which I thanked him profusely). I told him, if there's still hatred he has in me, please I beg him to forgive me, I don't know whether these dreams keep coming to me because of my past sins. No reply. He added me on FB though. I panicked. I really don't want him to read my self-centred status updates which is updated literally every minute due to boredom most of the time., though he still can if he opens my account since it's public. I panicked, to approve or not. I asked for Ummi's opinion. She said just approve (ok he's favourite bakal-menantu-tak-jadi linked with me is this pilot guy, the foreign guy and the engineer from UTP guy) so I approved.

Oh. He's recently engaged. Ok. I felt an itsy-bitsy pang of jealousy but why should I? I am with a great guy and though we're not engaged yet but that's by choice. I will freak out if I get married before or at the age of 25. I always aim 27 the earliest because I want to have a stable career. I love being a career woman and marriage is not my biggest fancy for the time being. I even remember when this ex told me when we turn 21, we'll get engaged, I gulped because I felt that was awfully young. And when him and the foreign guy, gave me promise rings, I felt lucky, loved and also freaked out. I am romantic, but career comes first before marriage, as long as I am still single. So I was being positive, I was happy for him. And his sweet, wonderful fiancee I bet, she's a lucky girl to have him, and I bet he's luckier to have her too, because I was evil. Yup. So with bona fide (good intention in legal terms) I messaged him (thinking we're sort of friends) congratulating him like I'm the happiest person in the world, and sharing my story about my boyfriend now. About how in a tremendously freaky way, my current boyfriend has the maximum similarities with him. Hardworking like an ant, busy like a bee, ok cut the crap Suraya, nice to everybody, loving, will do anything for me, especially that, sometimes awkward, not good at making jokes, but has a virtuous heart. I even absentmindedly told him on the FB message that, Allah has given me a 3rd chance to be with you by being with him (current boyfriend). Yes. I meant that.

I even told him do not forget to invite my family and I to attend his wedding, you know an all-happy, a little too excited ex-girlfriend since the ex has moved on for the betterment of his life. That's virtuous right??? Nothing evil or inflicted with Mala Fide (legal term for Bad Intention)Thus I expected a reply of him being happy for me too! But no! And I felt downnnnnnnnnnnn..and humiliated. I thought we're friends for God's sake though not the best of friends. Apparently he just added me to show off he's engaged. *sigh*

Utter humiliation for me. Maybe this is how he still feels. *change the sex please*

So I regret contacting him, pouring my heart out at that time. TRULY FELT EMBARRASSED. So I deleted him because I thought there's no point to have him, because he doesn't treat me like a friend at all. I blocked him and his fiancee for a certain while, I don't know why I did that, but I just did. Nevertheless, apart from that, I do feel lonely my boyfriend is so far away, I wish I could go to places with him, but even if he's here, I prefer not to go on dates with him, not too many until we're hitched insha Allah.

So I keep getting these dreams of him. I don't know why I don't dream of the foreign guy whom I loved madly and even admitted to the pilot when he phoned me that that foreign ex was the love of my life. Bushet semua tu! *Usin from Hantu Kak Limah* *sigh* Because after watching Ayat-Ayat Cinta (again) the film educated me that love of our life is only Allah. And our parents. And husbands, soleh husbands, meaning not boyfriends but husbands. Afterwards, that's how I cope up of not to love a man out of wedlock too deeply. If I get married with him alhamdulillah, if not, then next! Yes I am that kind now. We don't live in movies especially Bollywood movies where we'll hurt our parents' feelings just because we love someone from the different sex / or same sex in today's scenario, and not to be blessed and jeopardize our future. Somehow Allah will punish us. I believe that.

It's just lately, even last night I dreamt of him again. I have no secrets with Ummi and I told her about it. Ummi as usual will make me feel worse reminding me of dumping a good, wonderful man like him. She doesn't get it, I am with my boyfriend now who makes me super happy and contented, but she keeps bringing that up. She's just afraid I will move to Saudi and there's only my sister and I. I understand but my bf is a good man too insha Allah. Well I cry sometimes, thinking of this ex who's getting married..somehow I feel torn. I won't pull any antic of mine and damage his life with his fiancee (or perhaps they are married now I don't know). I don't even know if I miss him or not, because we've separated 5 years back. So he's a changed person, as how I surprised myself for being loyal in a long-term long distance relationship now. People change. It happens without us realizing. I don't know him now.

Right?

I wish him well, I don't know if ONLY NOW I have regret for dumping him. I just don't know. At times I wish I am married, going to Masjidil Haram everyday, performs solat before the Kaabah everyday, that will be the ultimate bliss. Maybe I am just jealous he's moved on. I don't know. And I don't know how to end this post perfectly. I am just clueless. I want him to be happy. He deserves it because I have hurt him twice. He's a good soul. And I don't know why I feel like I belong to be in the dumpsters. I really don't know how to end this. I am just typing. I don't know. I pray him well. I pray for him to be happy. Ok I am rambling. bye.

Salam.

Final note, to always remember. Allah is indeed my first love. Not men. Because HE's always with me no matter how bad I am. HE's the ultimate forgiver. And HE knows what's best for me. Hopefully my Rejab, Sya'ban & Ramadhan will be at its best this time amin.

ps* Ok i think this is funny though! Hehe not applicable to us Muslims of course =D Cheerios! *held my head up high and SMILE* =)

500 Days of Summer inspired me to update my blog! FINALLY!

Salam lovelies!

*sigh* ok that's a happy sigh. I was postponing, delaying and ultimately procrastinating to update The REAL CurHat Sue due to work commitments, Abaya Suraya blog updates commitments, or just due to mere laziness. Bad Suraya bad.

When was the last time I update this personal blog of mine? Well I fret to even have a peek at the last date tee hee. Nevertheless I miss updating it. I annoy people by updating my FB status updates frequently and I treat it like a mini-blog. Luckily for others that I do not own a Twitter account =D

So many great, wonderful things happened in my life alhamdulillah. Be it career-wise, love-life, family and social. Been to many places, witnessed so many things but not updated on my blog. Basically the last time I updated about my traveling was to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. Well basically after that I visited Bali in April 2010 (Indonesia), Melbourne & Geelong twice in July & November 2010 (Australia), Pattaya in December 2010 (Thailand) and the latest to Padang (Indonesia) on this April of 2011. And of course not to forget roaming up and down of Peninsula Malaysia! And oh yes I am now a chambering student and I finally own an iPhone 4 named Latipah as well as my highly desired MacBook Air named Chobeeb. I'm using it now and I just thank my lucky stars for getting it at a bargain price of RM 3000 only (2 times installment from Abang Sham hehe). Hope I could everything in retrospect in the future.

Inche Chobeeb

Oh yes for all the random events in my life, photos snapped but time is my foe. So no updates on my blog. Sadly. However oh yes how this wonderful movie of 500 Days of Summer inspired me? Well, firstly I may say that it's the #1 movie for me for the 1st half 0f 2011. I watched it on TV, Star Movies quite recently. It's out of this world!!!

Ok here's the centrepiece:

Tom is an architect by training, a romantic by nature and a “perfectly adequate” greeting-card writer by trade (“Today you’re a man. Mazel tov on your Bar Mitzvah!”). He meets Summer—the sexy, quirky dream girl who doesn’t believe in love—when she takes a job in his office. This is Day 1 of their 500 days together, and if the set up sounds predictable, veteran music-video director Marc Webb does much to turn this tale on its head. For starters, Webb tells the story out of llinear sequence, with Summer dumping Tom over pancakes in the first ten minutes. The rest of the film reveals how they got to that point, and its aftermath, each segment beginning with the number of the day the couple is on—a delicious clue as to whether what follows will involve awkward courtship, playful flirtation, shower sex or the breaking of common household objects. With a soundtrack that includes the Smiths, Belle and Sebastian and current punks Black Lips, there’s a lot to love here: crisp dialogue, drunken karaoke, a bar fight, ironic voiceover, a split-screen fantasy sequence and a dance number set to Hall and Oates that’s nothing short of glorious. Leads Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel sizzle onscreen, with fine support from Geoffrey Arend and Matthew Gray Gubler as Tom’s well-intentioned, inept-at-love friends and Chloe Moretz as his wise-beyond-her-years sister. 500 Days of Summer is a slickly made anti-romantic comedy that happens to have plenty of romance and lots of comedy.

—Benjamin Friedland, West Coast Premiere.

Some of the pretty images from the movie:

So yes! It's crazy, it's wild but all draped in the fashion & persona of the 1950s/1960s which was to die for!! And best of all, as highlighted in the centrepiece above, the delivery of this movie was it just skips to the future and flashes back to the past in no particular order, but wonderfully, the viewers GET IT! =D

Get the preppy 500 Days of Summer look.

So yes, to make things short, I am going to just update my blog in no particular order of the dates or events. It could be current or very backdated, updated after the latest event. Well I may not be the director of 500 Days of Summer, but I am the director of my blog, and if you still bother to read my blog, then I thank you. And I hope you love it, just the way I love that fantastic, fantastic, fantastic movie. *standing ovation* =)

A cheeky image which is so relevant to the movie hehe.

Just sharing, the leather and Swarovski crystals bangle my sayang gave me, which I wear everyday without fail. Lost it, found it back, love it to bits and pieces. I can have a 500 days of you anytime. *blush* =)

Have a great day readers! =)

The WEDDING of MY FIRST CRUSH @ Kelab Golf Perkhidmatan Awam (KGPA) (Sunday, 20th March 2010)

Me at the beautiful wedding.

Try to judge my expression. Happy? Sad? Tortured? Confused? Lost? I'll pay a penny for your thoughts. =D

My sidekick in life, Deena my sister.

Salam,

Yes yes, I have been delaying to update this post. Why? Because I was wondering to what extent will I reveal about my first crush. Just see the irony of this post's title, wedding and first crush, it just doesn't go together. Unless if it was how it's supposed to be, MY WEDDING with MY FIRST CRUSH, or Our Wedding; My First Crush and I. However the irony to life is that, as beautiful as it gets, it still can be cruel to you. *sigh* Please pardon me for being melancholic, though I might nervously laugh while writing this post, still there's a bittersweet feeling enveloping me inside. Haha ok that's too melodramatic Suraya *nervous laughter continues*.

Ok ok, let me keep it simple. This first crush of mine (which continues for years even till today, never-ending in fact, though I dated and loved a few guys hehe) let's call him HH (his initials, and it reminds me of the Harvard Hottie in the Nanny Diaries..seriously my heart skipped a beat when I saw the initials reading that novel because it reminded me of my HH), he's the eldest son of one of Ummi's closest friends in my childhood days. If I am not mistaken, when I was 11, he was 14 and super cute and hot. Fair skin, tall, soft-spoken, very pretty smile with very kind features, oh I just love love love. I also love the fact that since his mother have a small catering business, he always helped her at the kitchen. I also think he's balanced because he plays basketball, have loads of friends and still quite religious by regularly prays. Also love the fact that he always patted his youngest sister's head lovingly almost every time he bumps into her. Honestly that's how I developed my habit of patting my sister's head the same way too, because I felt like it's an elder-younger sibling bond which is just so loving and special, kudos to HH. =')

Well when I was younger, though people think I'm much prettier now, though I may lose weight and put on weight again and again, but when I was a kid, I was very fat, had very dark skin, bad hair, whatever that is ugly I was it. Of course to like HH, whom his mother told us, will get a school-bag load of Raya greeting cards from those interested to be his pet sister whether from older or younger girls (oh come on that's just an attempt to climb the ladder to become his gf, losers) of course I knew where I stood. No chance. Simply impossible. So yes, the shy me would only keep my feelings inside, further more another Aunty was trying so hard to matchmake her pretty and nice daughter with him so yes my feelings were left unknown.

When I turned 15 and lost lots of weight (because I was dieting like mad and frequently jogged at Taman Tar and went to the gym), when the hard work has started to pay off, I started to realize there were guys admiring me, finally. The cute boys at school started to notice I was visible, and people started to ask for my phone number, those kind of things well you know what I mean. Now Suraya was not only known as the shy, nice girl to be friends with, now she came with better looks.

However I will always remember my first crush. How he changes his hairstyles I think all of them were cute and suited him. How I know he had a huge crush on the girl on TV in the green dress, haha you know, Jennifer Love Hewitt and even had her photos in his room. He also had his exchange of gfs but I didn't feel so jealous because I knew that I will always remain to be the secret admirer (ok not so secretive because one of his bros, the loudest one who was closest to me and my sis knew I had a crush on him actually, and convinced me that HH liked me too LOL). I also find it adorable when he played basketball in front of his lovely home wearing bermuda shorts above his knees, and his mother would ask him to change into longer pants because he's showing his aurah, well even that small, puny moment is unforgettable to me. In fact I even find the way his name is spellt differently with a DZ at the back instead of the normal Z is unique and brilliant.

However I didn't know how Allah worked His great ways, but miracles happened when after a few years HH's mom told my mom that HH has a crush on me. Oh good Lord just imagine how I felt knowing this info, it was just too beautiful and amazing to describe it with words. I felt like I was the most loved person by Allah, and the luckiest gal on earth of course. The only problem was, both of our mothers knew both of us were too shy to make the first move. My principle in life is even before I wore hijab, as a Muslim Malay girl, I would never ever initiate the first step to make my interest in a guy apparent to him. If he likes me just as much, he must come to me and make the first move. If not, I will just regard it as it's not meant to be, or maybe he's just not that into me. Call me old-fashioned or backdated, that's my belief and I am adamant about it.

So years passed, and I went to MRSM Kuala Kubu Bharu, a boarding school but my best friends there, my roomates also knew about my first crush. Yes I also had my fair share of humiliating decisions, but not many people knew except my closest best friends at SMKTM and my sister Deena of course, knew that I had borrowed-without permission-and never returned which will sum up to stealing, one photo of him, that I pasted in my Leonardo DiCaprio & Claire Danes's Romeo & Juliet 1996 diary. Ok I swear THAT was truly embarrassing, humiliating, pathetic (even I could not forgive myself till now) but somehow I don't regret it totally. =) That is because I feel like that is the only hard copy of all the soft copy memories that I have of my first crush. I still keep that diary, for more than a decade now since I am 24 now and losing that page which I've pasted the photo would be a real loss to me, so I hope it won't happen.

Yes my best friend from MRSM once followed me to his house when my mother purchased some Ayam Percik from his mother, and that was the first time I truly believe he smiled at me, at the kitchen where he was helping his mother. If I'm not mistaken that was the first time he saw me wearing hijab, and since I was so uber shy, I was not even sure whether I smiled back or not. Even if I did I bet it was ugly, crooked or something. Seriously, I don't understand how can I be so confident being the emcee of events at school, being a debater representing my school since primary school and even had endless verbal arguments with my male schoolmates, had boyfriends already, but in front of HH I just became wanita Melayu terakhir (the last Malay woman), freaked out and could barely breathe. Pa-the wait for it, tic! In fact I would gaze on the floor in front of him, but seriously the feelings to know he's in the same vicinity with me gave me the most incredible feeling. I would feel the happiest when my best friend at home then told me how cute he was, and said 'Seriously Sue dia senyum kat kau!' (He smiled at you) and pretended not to believe and asked her to repeat the story again and again because I enjoyed knowing it. ='D

Then when we sort of knew, that we were kind of interested in each other, well it was like an open secret, we started to give polite smiles to one another if I go to his house for a visit with Ummi and my sister, but never spoken to each other. But then of course as we grew older, we had our own gf and bf. Years and after years of not seeing each other then the news broke and it hit me, that my first crush was getting married. I was happy outside, but the weird part inside..well..urm I was kind of crying. *sigh* It gave me the exact same feeling (in fact worse this time) when I knew my most favourite singer, Akhdiyat Duta Modjo from Sheila On 7 got hitched. Of course, it's not even imaginable of me marrying Duta or HH, but to know they were tying the knot felt like losing a part of myself. Yes I was happy to hear the good news, but just well, not sincerely.

So last Eid in 2009, we went again to his house months before his wedding. By this point I have a loving boyfriend whom I still have unsure feelings about him then since the relationship was still new. Well when I went to HH's with Ummi and Nana, I couldn't be happier to know that he came back for a holiday since he works in Jakarta, Indonesia and the happiest (and crazy nervous) to know he's at home, not going anywhere else when we visited. I was not trying to seduce someone's fiance of course never, but at least I wanted to look decent and pretty when I went there, still I would feel this huge bashful habit enveloped me again, and I would feel insecure though I tried to look as normal as possible. Ummi asked me to pass some Serunding Daging (meat floss) from home, he smiled sincerely when he received it from me but again I am not even sure till this day whether I didn't smile at all or gave him another poor crooked smile at that time. Dush!

Then when we were enjoying spaghetti bolognaise that his mum prepared, I felt like I was in heaven when he actually joint us to eat together with us, and he was sitting in front of me! (ok I'm the true definition of loser!) Though I was excited, I felt like my heart was beating the fastest. Before that Ummi told me that his mother told her that HH was not so sure whether he was marrying too soon, or whether he has chosen the right girl. Ok knowing that made me feel a little better (guilty!) and though I chatted comfortably just for the sake of appearing normal, when his mum told us there that he was not sure to get married or not in front of us, I saw that he was looking at the floor, and played with his spaghetti (even Nana noticed that) and I was not sure whether he felt kind of upset about that or embarrassed that his mother was telling us about that.

Then this big mouth of mine told the story about how I had a make-up client, which I was supposed to do the make-up for the groom's family members, cancelled our appointment the night before the big day. I thought they had another make-up artiste, or you know how relatives like to do make-up on each other. Then the next year, the same client booked me again to do the same kind of make-up. I thought this was for the wedding of another brother, when I did their make-up I was informed that it was for the very same groom. Last year, when all the preparations were made and invitation cards were delivered, the groom just bursted out the news that he was not ready to get married yet, the night before the wedding. Crazy stuff. I was so comfortable of just telling the story, when HH interrupted, looking at me solemnly asking "So did he marry the same girl or not?" I was dumbfounded, paused didn't know what to say. If any Tom, Dick or Harry asked me this I could simply answer the truth, but this was HH. My so-called HH. So I said "Urm I was not sure, but I think it must be the same girl." Then he just kept quiet, didn't smile or anything. Back at home Nana said to me, "Wow out of all the questions in the world he asked you that!" then I told Nana seriously I couldn't remember whether that groom married the same girl or not, but if I said no it will be interesting right and we had a great laugh. However honestly, at that time when HH asked me, I remembered clearly, that actually the groom wed a different girl, not his earlier fiance, but I just felt from his solemn expression that I saw, the first time in fact I felt like we had a real conversation though it was including our family members, well I assumed he needed some convincing from others, and instead of making his thinking and indecisive feelings more haywired, I just said yes the guy married the same girl. There's no point to be cruel Suraya if you were not marrying him anyway. Right?

So yes I did add him on Facebook, though I knew he was getting married. There's no harm to it I guess. Wonderfully, so so surprisingly when I made an album of my random photos, which I call Self-Shots, I was so astonished and delighted to know that he was the first one to Like that album. Hahaha another pathetic insight from Suraya, but I gloated about it to my sister and mother haha. =D It really meant something big to me, even those guys who personally commented how beautiful I am or even private message to hit on me, could not mean bigger than him Liking my album thee hee!

Yup so we went to his wedding on 20th March 2010 (this is the birthdate of one of my ex-boyfriends coincidentally) and I dressed up as possibly cute as I could think of haha. Nana said that I should be pretty that night. =D The wedding was beautiful, the bride was so gorgeous, and HH looked so happy I was happy too. I just got embarrassed when we wanted to take photos with the beautiful couple, that HH's mother said to me 'Ha Suraya pergi marah abang H tu!' (go and scold H) which was funny and sad at the same time. To be honest I slightly felt defeated as well. ='D

Well, I pray for the lovely couple to have a blessed marriage dunya wal akhirat, be bestowed with adorable babies, all soleh and solehah, and hopefully they'll attend my wedding too insha Allah. Most importantly I pray for him to be happy creating memories in his married life, because deep inside he'll always be special to me and will always remember him. I reckon this to be my most personal blog post just yet, and I could not believe I just walked down memory lane of my first crush on this Sunday morning with the tingling sensation of humiliation that gave me goosebumps, but it came together with bittersweet tears running down my cheeks. =')